You know that feeling. You've arranged to meet up with friends then they cancel at the last minute. Or something you planned and prepared for is just not paying off, inspite of all your efforts. There's a sadness, or anger and maybe a feeling of vulnerability. You have to rethink your plans. All perfectly natural feelings but sometimes disappointment goes deeper than this. When there's an unresolved wound in your soul from disappointment within relationships, the effects can sabotage your best efforts at living a full and vibrant life. If there's also a root of disappointment with yourself, it could stop you in your tracks.
Unable to Step Forward
Having a wound of disappointment festering in your soul can keep you tethered to an unfruitful past that you're probably not even conscious of anymore. You see its fruit but not its buried root. You're afraid to step onto the weighing scales in case you haven't lost weight. This doesn't help you to take control of your health and regain your vitality. You pull out of something important that could have boosted your career because inside you believe you're not good enough. You may never know how easily that success could have come. You remain confused and bewildered by the way another person treats you, clinging to a low-grade, better-than-nothing involvement with someone. Your root of low self-worth from disappointment means you haven't the courage to break free and take the risk of going it alone for an indefinite period. You never give yourself enough space to become the cut diamond you really are, free to attract the best partner for your life.
The cost of holding onto your old wounds is incalculable. Any discomfort that comes from opening up and cleaning out the mess is far healthier than the pain of repeatedly faking a smile or hiding behind a mask of invisibility. So how to you begin the process of healing the effects of emotional wounds from the past? First you have to find a place of safety. This could be a short-term escape at a friend's house or a session of healing and therapy. A regular safe retreat is better, such as ongoing treatment sessions, weekly church meetings or a great place to work. Ultimately we need to build and nurture a safe and secure way of life, which we cultivate on an ongoing basis. Only in a truly safe place can we face the events that we've pushed to the back of our awareness.
When we are settled in a place of refuge and support, we can begin to melt the emotional ice. For most healing processes there will be a time of tears and even sobbing in release. Storming anger might need to be safely discharged. Less obvious can be a feeling of utter heaviness, unable to get going or seeming to move in slow motion. It can be mistaken for tiredness or "I can't be bothered". If possible, slow down into it and really allow the underlying memories or sensations to surface. You can also press into it by observing your movements - the slowness, weakness or clumsiness - and either watch the clock to stay grounded and mobile, or simply treat yourself kindly and with gentle encouragement, as if you are a small and precious child. Most of us understand that our deepest wounds can happen during our childhood. Being kind and caring with ourselves, now that we are responsible adults, can begin the process of restoration.
Waving the Flag
There will come a time when you have significantly shifted your old emotional residues. You will notice days of greater clarity of mind, more energy, a renewed enthusiasm and curiosity for the day ahead. You may even feel ready to step forward into the possibility of new or closer relationships again. But you don't want to be disappointed. Well the first thing to accept is that you are almost bound to experience disappointment with people, and even with yourself sometimes. For a real relationship to develop you have to get close enough to someone to feel them getting on your nerves! All the skills you used to heal and recover from past disappointments can now be applied to tolerating, or coping with, the differences that arise as people go through life together. There's no need for your relationship scenario to be all or nothing - wounded isolation or blind adoration. This time you can choose the degree of involvement, step by step. Now you have the freedom to choose to step back, because you have built a secure and enriching life of your own. Now you are mature enough to see which colour flag is flying and be wise enough to continue forward, or slow down, or stop, or turn away.
Here are some colourful flags that could inspire you to move safety and enjoyably on your own relationship pathway, especially in terms of romantic connections. What values and boundaries would you put in place now?
Green Flag = Go ahead. Continue to get to know each other and establish a friendship. For example: You are BOTH single, unmarried, not living with a partner (or so-called ex!) and not in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone else. You are no more that 5 years apart in age. You feel respected. Your life experiences are similar enough to form a good understanding of each other.
Yellow Flag = Slow down. There are differences that need negotiating, more understanding or some adjusting to. For example: You are 6 to 10 years apart in age. One follows a committed spiritual pathway as the basis for living, while the other is only exploring that same spiritual belief system just now. Give each other enough space to clarify what really matters. How would it feel to take a three-month break and agree to explore your views together after this time?
Red Flag = Stop. An area of concern has arisen. The age difference is 11 to 15 years, meaning you come from different decades, producing different values and affecting future lifestage planning such as retirement. Perhaps you discover the other person still has contact with an ex-partner. Maybe a poor credit history has come to light. Did you meet in a professional context where one person's position is under strong influence from the other, such as therapist and client, or line manager and team member? Have the courage to take time out for a while, perhaps for as long as six months, before checking back to ensure there is clear evidence of a lasting resolution to any issues or concerns.
Black Flag = Get out. It could just be an age difference of 16+ years, which means you are in a parent-child dynamic that would benefit from some medium to long-term therapy. Perhaps one person has high moral standards around intimacy but the other is constantly pressuring for sexual activity that knowingly goes against that persons beliefs. If there has been any form of deliberate physical assault, any property or money stolen from you or any illegal substances or items discovered, get out now and know you are never going back for any reason.
Also note - that spark of attraction, that sexual chemistry, gives NO indication of the long-term health or quality of any future relationship together. Take the time to build your own self-worth and personal security now, so that you can easily navigate the inevitable irritations, let downs and misunderstandings that occur between people. However, it is also vital to avoid the devastating disappointments in relationships that happen when you fail to take adult responsibility to protect and nurture your own wellbeing.
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The title of this book, which I read in April 2008, says it all: 'Love is a Choice' by Drs Hemfelt, Minirith & Meier. View and order on Amazon HERE.
