"Be true to yourself Corrina", wrote 'V' in the WhatsApp Chat. We were all having a conversation about basil pesto - one of my favourite foods. I'd admitted that in the past my insecurities would have stopped me joining in. I wouldn't have felt sophisticated & cosmopolitan enough, like 'H' who first tried basil pesto in a restaurant somewhere in Italy. Then I'd have wished I'd been funny & cool like 'S', who laughed because she found hers in a Tesco Express somewhere near Edinburgh. My pasta sauce came out of a jar from Sainsbury's. Now that I shop in Aldi, I can buy the pesto, pasta and salad to go with it for less than at….you know where….
I wrote about this advice, on being yourself, back in the March 2019 Newsletter. Sounds simple enough but you know how it goes. "Should I say something or not?", "What if I upset them?", "Will I look like a fool?", "What if everyone else disagrees with me?" So do you take the risk of speaking up and being truthful? How do you decide if it's better to keep quiet or to bow out of the conversation?
Meeting at the Boundaries
The issue of being truthful in our relationships arises as our personal boundary is meeting someone else's. So let's use the example of having a friend over for coffee, as an illustration. How do you feel during the period leading up to your agreed time for this get-together? Be aware of any tensions in your body, any anxious thoughts running through your mind or feelings of emotional unrest. Do they sometimes arrive unreasonably early, leaving you flustered and unprepared, meaning you feel they are keeping you on your toes and you are unable to relax this time? Have they been really late in the past, so now you are looking anxiously out of the window and beginning to wonder if they are alright. If you eventually get a phone call, are you totally confused because they: say they 'accidentally' tried your work number, baffle you with the route they are taking to get to you, or still fail to follow the directions or instructions you are giving them now?
On their arrival, are you 'Gaslighted' (or set up to fail & be tricked into thinking its YOUR fault)? As you try to understand what's happening, and attempt to keep things as pleasant and smooth-running as possible, you feel tensions rising. You try to keep your irritation under control. You hear their excuses but think "That doesn't make sense..." You weigh up your possible responses, aware your heart is pounding and jaw clenched, and take a deep breath. Can you risk being truthful in this relationship?
Your Personal Foundations
Your ability to be truthful in your relationships will depend largely on your sense of security in your identity and resources. If the person in the above example is merely a recent acquaintance, you'll probably say nothing and just decide not to bother inviting them over again. If you believe you depend on this person in some way, the risks of being truthful with them will seem much higher to you. The more you have invested in this relationship, the greater the risk of loss to you if your truthfulness is met with rejection or hostility. When 'Gaslighting' (manipulation, subtle controlling) happens with a close relative, valuable client, church leader or your spouse, the risk of being truthful can feel paralysing. If you allow yourself to be manipulated, controlled, 'Gaslighted', set up to fail or blamed unjustly, you begin to lose your self-esteem. To permit dominance, control and self-centredness from someone you feel you depend on will pollute the relationship and eventually turn it into a toxic relationship.
If you realise you are in a toxic relationship, you need to get out carefully, recover slowly and avoid wisely in the future. In the Pathway Balancing Journey, the material describes a 'mountain' that you must climb, to get over this relationship pattern. At the base of this Journey is Level 1 'The Individual'. As with other Levels up the mountain, there are ten Gateways along the Pathway. Each one describes a potential opening for you on your life path. To find out where you may be stuck - which Gateway you need to open - we use muscle-testing (or kinesiology) to test your body's neurological response to the words on the page. Gateway 5 is called 'The Power of Balance'. We might be stuck here if there is tension within us around speaking out truthfully or keeping quiet. Inside Gateway 5 is a Direction we can go in called 'Who Is in My Space?' It's about expressing our wants and allowing space for the other person to respond. The viewpoint here is having discernment between truth and lies, and the courage to act accordingly.
This is your solution. When you feel that tension rising, that irritation starting and anger building up inside you, it's time to act. Stay safe, physically and psychologically. If you have to shut down, keep quiet or stay still, so be it. If you find you are dealing with a narcissist, you have to get away. You need to plan your escape and prepare to leave the relationship. If your relationship is basically safe but you're finding things difficult or troubling, it could be worth the risk of being truthful with the other person. Take time to learn more about how they are and be able to accept them just as they are. Then respectfully, but clearly, tell them the way you see it and how you feel. Listen to what they say. Watch for changes in their behaviour over time, and examine your own feelings and motives too. This is a win/win situation. If the other person is still invested in playing a game, acting out unconscious trauma or unwilling to face reality responsibly, the relationship will end. You will be free of their entanglements and go on to be much better off without them in your life. However, if the other person takes on board what you say, feels genuinely sorry that you are upset and begins to make efforts to change things, this will develop into a healthy and strong relationship. So there can be much to gain when you risk being truthful in your relationships.
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To understand more about this subject, I highly recommend the book 'Safe People' by Drs Cloud & Townsend, which I read in April 2010. It's subtitle says it all: 'How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't'.
